Loss and losing

Loss – a 4 letter word but it has a four layer deep effect.

It saddens your heart, shatters your soul, challenges your beliefs and shakes your confidence to the core.

Unfortunately, the past year has shown me loss in abundance. My year began with losing my friends – the ones that were indispensable, unforgettable and I don’t remember a time in my life without them. My first friend, my oldest and closest. Yet things happen, incidents occur and snap!

I have waited a long long time to write about it. There is no other way to express it. We don’t speak anymore, so I cant talk to the only person who I was able to talk to about anything and everything under the sun. It is so much easier to fight it out, isnt it? Whats difficult is to give it time – to heal, to recover and to not leave a scar. Yet how much time is enough time? What is time needed for? To forgive the mistake or to forget the person completely?

She stood by me in my embarassing moments, she understood me always, she covered for me for everything small or big, she tied my “Gathbandhan” at my wedding. She has the elder sister that I never had. Every festival was spent together, we continued the tradition even when we were away from home. Every “taboo” thing was tried together. Long drives, road trip, “teerth yatra”, cooking, baking, gardening, reading, binge watching cookery shows, girly television shows – you name and we’ve done it. Afterall 30 years will account to certain memories right? I believe I did my part for her as well. I hope that goes into my karmic account. Maybe that was just the extent of my role in her life. I guess I was just meant to send you off with your knight in shining armour, into the sunset and never expect you to turn back again.

We always told each other no matter what, we’ll always be “just a call away”. We just assumed nothing could ever break us apart, nothing could come between us. But then something unfortunate happened. Unfortunate because
1. It didn’t happen between us exactly
2. we never even fought with each other about it and
3. we have not spoken since.

Yes, there were birthday wishes, but so formal that they were unrecognisable. There were no Facebook likes, none on Instagram either.
All Facebook did was mock me with its memories.
All Instagram did was show me that things are fine in that area of my world.
My world – which is no longer mine.

Sometimes another loss may make things go back to like they were before. But I guess it doesn’t affect everyone the same way. I lost all hope when I lost my beloved pet – my cuddly boo, who was loved like a baby brother. When there were no condolences expressed for this occurrence I was hurt beyond repair, I guess this was the final nail in the coffin of a 30 year long friendship. I don’t mind you not being there for my birthdays or celebrations, but I did mind you not reaching out in my misery and my biggest loss. But who can I tell this to? No one. Inspite of all this if I miss you, am I desperate or needy or just human? There’s not a day when I don’t think of you. I have lost a close friend to death earlier, losing people to life is much harder.

What this time has taught me is this…
Everyone plays a role in your life and then moves on
Everyone doesn’t believe in forgiving.
Everyone doesn’t love unconditionally enough to embrace your weakness always.
Everyone has their own priorities. Family first afterall. Blood first.

I write this in hopes of this reaching you and hopefully it makes you feel that anger is not the solution, maybe fighting about it is. Knowing you, I know you will never call me or text me. So I will simply close this loop by wishing you well, now and always. Keep lighting up your world with your smile, confidence and positivity. Here’s wishing you love, life and a bigger heart.

Advertisements

Petrichor

Growing up, I always thought, planned and dreamed about life. Unknowingly I set certain expectations from life – be it topping the class, getting into the best college, being a professional, having a love story, having a fairytale ending. But as I got on with the rat race, somethings were either forgotten or left behind. Once in a while when I look at someone else, I realise that I want this or that.

Well, I have been extremely fortunate to have had most of the things in my life. I can’t thank my stars enough. However I felt more than once that I did not quite get what I deserved – I worked extremely hard but just stopped short of the top. Life moved on and I had my share of happiness, love, hurt, betrayal and a combination of both good things/people and the worst of the lot too.

Then there came a time when life was moving at a decent pace. There was nothing to be extremely proud of. Also there was nothing that could bog me down. I was pretty good if not completely content. There was this pressure of getting married – to whom, how and why? As usual I looked at it from both views – mine and theirs. Mine was not strong enough to keep things at bay – I didn’t have a prospective husband ready!! Theirs was strong enough because it stated – if you don’t have anyone, we can help you. I had to give in. after 3 years of going through this, I was starting to get indifferent. If I have to meet someone – okay. If I had to wait for some guy to pass his judgement on me – okay. If i was always told I will have the final say but I was scared beyond my wits thinking what will I do if everything else fits the bill and I do not wish to go ahead with this only because I am scared? The only thing that held me back was that I did not believe in arranged marriages. I love watching romantic movies, happy endings and stories full of love, affection and romance( yeah, I know I already said romantic movies).

Then a Christmas miracle happened! Overnight everything changed!

Never had I felt better – right from day 1. It felt like puzzle pieces falling in place.

Like rain in a parched field

Like a ray of sun after a week of cloudy gloom

A bright shining moon on a dark starless night

Like a cold shower on hot sunny day

Or like matke ka paani on a thirsty afternoon

Like cool grass for bare feet

Like cucumber slices on my eyes

I use these examples because when I was hopelessly lost, I found a friend. A person very close to becoming a soulmate. A person I could pour my heart out to and not be ashamed of/embarrassed about anything that I have done in my life.

I have strongly believed in basing all the relationships in my life on honesty first before anything else. And especially for this relationship it became extremely important. If it was anyone else I would never be able to spill my heart and soul out to them in this way. I was – still am – scared of how much of what I say is too much. But for most of my time, I am happy. I am close to being content. I am realizing what I want – again.

We see the world through same eyes and it’s bliss like that. We have our differences but those are a wonderful addition to our similarities. We even use the exact same phrases at the exact same moment. Talk about Batman’s bat-crap crazy behavior :P. we have our own crazy ways and then we have OUR own crazier ways. Never has talking about rumblers been so funny, never has “o o jaane jaana” been so hilarious. Never have I liked my leg being pulled so much.

They say, you never appreciate the worth of a good occurrence unless you’ve been through a storm. I am glad I see the shore at last. I am thinking so many times before hitting on post because I don’t wish to jinx it. But then… the joy of sharing is in itself an elation. So here goes…

You are Petrichor.

==============================================================================
Please access the attached hyperlink for an important electronic communications disclaimer:
http://www.credit-suisse.com/legal/en/disclaimer_email_ib.html
==============================================================================

==============================================================================
Please access the attached hyperlink for an important electronic communications disclaimer:
http://www.credit-suisse.com/legal/en/disclaimer_email_ib.html
==============================================================================

Old is , was and will be Gold

We often hear our parents and more often grandparents referring to their times as the wonderful beautiful times. And more often than not we mock them – if not verbally, in our hearts we all do.

 

We think you didn’t have internet, you didn’t have bikes and cars. You didn’t have your own will to go anywhere let alone do anything. It always appears they lived a restricted life somehow. Come to think of it, it was a more real life, a liberated one too.

These days generation gap does not necessarily occur between 2 generations. Our generation boasts of technology, progressive behavior and approach, equality in gender, castes and class. What we lack is that purity of intention and heart that our parents had.

 

We have luxurious beds, they had good sleep.

We have fake smiles, they had laughter.

We have 400 friends on Facebook, they had 4 friends, who were friends for life!

We have affairs, they had great love.

We have fast food, they had hot food.

We have soft drinks, they had lassi, chacch and nimbu paani.

We have cigarettes, our grandpas had hookah (okay, yeah not a healthy comparison I know! 😉 )

We believe in showing the world how connected we are and yet there’s not much that we know about the people with us and around us.

 

Our generation believes in friends with benefits and leave out all the rest.

We believe in “pehle istemal kare phir vishwas kare”

We want friends, but we scared out of our wits to commit.

We are the walking definition of the opposite of selfless.

Our lives do not revolve around love, we are in search of more money, more comfort, more popularity and more success.

We do not think that we will hurt someone, rather we are scared of hurting ourselves.

We take calculated chances and risks – be it our money or our feelings.

What we end up losing in the process is left unrealised.

 

If there is no return on our investment on our feelings, don’t we pull out as soon as possible?

If we don’t see it going somewhere, don’t we give up ASAP?

Don’t we restrict ourselves in taking that leap of faith only because we’ve been hurt in the past?

We are discontented, hungry for more, but when it is in front of us, we have cold feet.

 

It’s a shame that we listen to all the romantic songs – English, hindi and god knows what other languages, but we fail to live it for real.

 

So what I am trying to understand here is, are we really smarter,sharper and faster?

Let’s start from the beginning

First day at school

First day when the school reopens

First day of junior college, graduation college, post-graduation college

First day in hostel

First day in a hostel in Mumbai

First day at work

First day in a multinational company with a maze of cubicles

 

Just thinking about those first days is creating butterflies in my tummy!

 

Beginnings always bring mixed feelings. On one hand there is excitement about new experiences, new people, new surroundings and new environments.

On the other hand there is panic, nervousness and dread – a dread of not excelling as much as we would want to.

 

Beginnings are always exciting – this is a phase where we know new things, learn them, try to remember them and apply them. Learning to know a person – their likes, dislikes, their habits, their judgements, their misgivings. A human heart and head is like a sponge when it all starts, absorbing everything that comes its way then.

 

I feel, this is the most exciting phase (yeah, I know it makes me like Monica yet again!). There are butterflies before every first! As we move ahead, there is a confidence, predictability – in actions, in words.

 

I remember meeting most of my friends for the first time.

A girl who walked into my office and I felt nervous because she was in western formals and I was in Indians.

A boy who smiled at me across our cubicles, flashing his dimples.

A girl who snapped when she found out I write blogs. She said “ I don’t like reading!”

A boy who was in a group of interns, playing alongside our VP.

A girl who asked me to share her lunch when I returned from college.

A boy who had returned from Nigeria and sat next to me in the tuition.

A short girl with hair longer than herself(that’s an exaggeration) who couldn’t stop chattering.

A boy who rode alongside me to ask if we could be friends.

A girl who was so shy and quiet that it was impossible to imagine us being friends!

A boy who was my desk partner when we shuffled our places everyday.

A girl who met me at the steps of the hostel and we stood there chatting for about an hour.

A boy who was my desk partner and I remembered him tumbling down the stairs at an Eid dinner.

A girl whose stuff was stolen and was inconsolable.

A boy stood smoking at a tapri and never did I think he would be one of my best friends.

A girl who stands by me today and I do not remember when I first met her- because we have been friends practically since we were born.

A boy who made a lot happen over coffee

A girl wore an oversized Tshirt and was became my Mommy for life

 

Few of the many that are running through my head right now. I remember how we learnt about each other, how we grew so fond of each other. How there were times when we hated each other and how there are times that we love each other to death. I love having these people in my life. I love the fact that I know them, fight them and grow with them.

 

And if I had to start again, I would have all of them exactly like this all over again. Yes, maybe tweak a few things in my favour 😉

Rhythm and Blues

A plane in the blue sky

That glitter in Bruiser’s eye.

Flying water from the sprinkler in the lawn,

Astonishing colours of the dawn!

 

From the white of the Himalayas to the grey from the Bombay sea

From fading yellow from leaves in Fergusson College to the green from my neighbour’s tree

Be it the teeny flowers in Maa’s garden or the red hot coals in mama’s bonfire

Or maybe the red in Radhika’s wedding that is so bright in my memoir!

 

The proof of all my puddings and food cooked with delight

All this was gobbled, not before they made a pretty sight!

 

The pink all around from the Hen weekend,

The blue,green,golden from the shadi of a best friend.

Lil nephew crawling around with a lopsided smile,

Papa wearing his evergreen style.

 

When I look through the eyes of a camera, the world changes completely

Not the world per se, the view changes completely.

Not that the lense is rose tinted, but the world is a better place then.

 

Why, you ask? As soon as I put the camera to my eye, there’s a sister who automatically smiles, a pup who’s eyes light up and I think even the Diwali lights glow brighter 😉

 

This is something that makes people come together, huddle in and smile their best!

A little touch up here, final sweep of the comb there

Camera screen is the space that everyone is so willing to share.

 

So it feels really good, being on this side, looking at people smiling – politely, widely, beautifully !

 

There are moments, perfect ones ….

2 girls looking at the perfect little new born sister

Nana and nani holding their youngest grandchild for the first time ever

The dulha muttering something in the saali’s ear

Receiving a gold medal and trying to smile a humble smile

Smiling with icing smeared all over our faces

 

Then there are the moments that are not so perfect..

My brother and my puppy lying flat out on their backs, snoring without any care!

Sliding away from the group at the waterfall just before the picture is clicked.

Rolling your eyes when everyone else is smiling widely and perfectly

 

And yes there are moments that cannot be classified as either …

2 people huddling together- in a memory and no longer meet each others’ eyes

A friend who is now watching all the others from far far above…

A person who was too scared to hold my hand when it was needed the most

A person who I was too timid to hold on to

A person who was loved but didn’t love me back

A person who probably deserved love but will remain just a friend

 

Knowingly, my heart breaks into a rhythm…

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone ’cause I can’t fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.

 

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without.
I just need you now

Just a NO

He’s stubborn but I know he’s not cold

He gets upset because of people who don’t matter and does not believe it when he’s told.

He wants someone to be there for him, to share his joy and pain

But when he was loved, that just was in vain.

Well, I don’t blame him and I still care

And yet he’s someone I don’t want to share.

I wonder what more could I be..

Could me n him ever be a WE?

That longing and feeling in my heart,

didn’t realize how, where and when did it start

It keeps me awake till I see the light of the day

It keeps all my other thoughts at bay.

It keeps me standing in the shower till the water runs cold,

In a matter of days I feel really old.

It makes me look at the mirror, standing away

I look at the mist slowly fade away.

Wouldn’t be easy to walk away, for sure it will make the pain go away

Though I know staying here will not change anything anyway.

Friends we were friends we’ll be

I just wish I could shut the blinds and there wouldn’t be anything to see.

The songs in my heart have all faded in the background

They were music to me, now its just unwanted sound.

I’m in a room of my own, a room so dark

There’s nothing left, nothing but a mark.

How I wish my hands were steady

But its too difficult, I just don’t feel ready.

Overhyped love, over desired love

Nothing stays when we go high up above.

I do wonder why did it begin why the hell did it start?

But then if that wouldn’t be, I wouldn’t have any memories in my cart.

Let me go, let IT go.. just go go go

Why cant it be anything, anything else but a NO?

To Feel or not to feel ?

They say, feeling everything too deeply is a bad and sad thing.

It may take us to an extreme – over-protectiveness, over-caring and in the eyes of the world – an obsessed person.

On the other end it may lead us to becoming indifferent, uncaring and in the eyes of the world – a cruel person.

 

We human beings are weird

We want care – oh but not too much.

We want love – but too much love stifles us.

We want space – but too much space makes us lonely.

We want to share- but too much sharing makes us weak(or so we think).

We want to judge- but never ever to be judged.

We want to get up and move on – but it feels too cold to be done.

 

We try and give time, space and chances to people and we feel the hardest of hurt when it doesn’t materialize.

This does not mean that we are weak neither does this mean that the other person is a moron. This is because our hearts know that expectations only lie with people closer to our hearts. No one expects something from a passerby, do they?

 

A person thinks what he thinks when he wants to think it. Similarly he feels what he wants to feel when he wants to feel and for whom he wants to feel it.

 

We have dozens of examples scattered around us where people prefer being mistreated by others. Where there is good treatment, it is taken for granted. We say karma pays us back. What karma is this, where someone’s good karma remains unaccounted for? Agreed that karma isn’t a boomerang or an echo to return immediately and that it is more like a Frisbee that is tossed in the air and we have to wait for it to return.

 

I think it’s only human to expect good for good and bad for bad. Patience is a virtue that is rare in such circumstances.

 

We don’t eat for someone else, neither do we breathe for someone else.

We live for ourselves, we love for ourselves.

Then why is it so difficult to be a person that we really are?

 

No matter how close we are to anyone, we don’t stop living if we lose someone or something.

Life they say, goes on.. people come and go, life never stops.

 

Then instead of trying to make others happy all the time, why not start making ourselves happy?

Why not focus on your own smile first and then on others’?

Yes a fewer people may like you after that, but its okay. Cuz you will love yourself and those who matter will love you too.. cuz you are real. You are not someone who’s making them happy at the cost of your smile.

You are making them happy but at the same time you aren’t losing heart. It’s a win-win situation.

Also, being you, is easier as it comes naturally to you. Whereas being someone who lives to make others happy is a façade, it will fall – someday or the other. It is just a volcano waiting to erupt, because someday you will blurt out – I did this cuz you liked it, cuz it made you happy. I never wanted to do it!

 

People you love mirror you – this is what I strongly believe.

This is why I also believe, if I will smile, he will smile.

If I will critique, he will too. If I will shout, he will too.

If I extend my hand to be there, he will too…

The Heart wants… what it wants.

Such a teeny tiny thing and yet capable of controlling and manipulating even the strongest of beings

 

It flutters and stutters, yells and sometimes mutters

 

It thinks and feels in extremes.

 

One day it is a bright yellow – full of hopes and positivity

It thinks nothing and no one can stop me from being happy – today and onwards.

Everything is bright and beautiful.

Birds are chirping, flowers are blooming, butterflies are flitting away happily.

I can literally imagine Happy bubbles bubbling out the head.

 

Then another day it is all drab – gray and blue

Everything is dull – like a cloudy sky ready to burst, in tears or curses

Everyone is an enemy – wanting nothing good to happen for me

All logic goes flying out the window in far,far away land

It’s like a constant downpour of negative emotions- so stubborn that they refuse to go away.

 

As another day dawns – it is full of dreams and a light, fuzzy feeling – I call it my pink feeling.

This is neither love nor attraction , neither it is infatuation.

It’s a simple liking, that is just there, like gulabi thandi which does not require any woolens and is pleasant to feel and bear.

It involves wanting to know and wanting to share.

There is no judgement and there is no care!

You are frank and open. No one can spoil it, even if they dare!

 

Then comes the worst – a day neither gray nor blue

It’s when your heart is clenched within a thousand thorns…

One minute you smile, the very next second you burst in tears.

It’s a mix of all the other days.

 

All this… the doings of a tiny organ in our chest

Such control over a big human claiming to be the smartest

It’s true; brains take us to heights unknown

And yet one blip in the heart brings it all crashing down!

 

Somehow while writing this my heart wants to let out more..

The brain is trying to shoo it and calm it down..

And as always, my brain is playing my favourite song that distracts me from every other thing in the world…

 

Through the storm we reach the shore

You gave it all but I want more

And I’m waiting for you

 

Sleight of hand and twist of fate

On a bed of nails he makes me wait

And I wait without you

 

My hands are tied, my body bruised

He’s got me with

Nothing to win and

Nothing left to lose…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Train of thought

Train journeys – always bring a sense of apprehension of missing the train and the excitement of speed.

 

Be it the transition of our red trains to blue ones, or having 3 berths on the sides of a 3 tier bogie, or from having curtains to bare, no curtain compartments, it is always thrilling to travel in a train.

 

Waiting at the station with all your plans- is just like life. Where we have all our plans set (well, most of them) and in our head we are always packed and ready.

Looking at people – a family huddled together in anticipation of their trip, always causes my thoughts to wander – how old are the kids, where are they off to – naani k ghar? Or a simple hill station trip. How I wish I was a kid again, living a simple life, where my summer vacations were the most adventurous times.

Beggars – sleeping peacefully in the dirty, ragged, tattered clothes and blankets while we shiver in our thickest of jackets. I always wonder, what do these people do all day? What did they do to deserve this life? What did they not do to make it a better life?

The playful puppies, running around their dearest dog-mamma – perfectly happy in their little world. This again reminds me of simpler times when mom was the word and problems were solved.

 

The movement of the train itself always jostles long forgotten memories- the train moves ahead, my mind always races back. Gone are the days when we perched on the V.I.P. hard cover suitcases, when the air bags did not have wheels, a Milton water jug – with a tiny plastic cup was a part of the baggage, no matter how short the journey was. A plastic basket with an assortment of fruits, pooris and achaar were the fixed travel dishes. Buying a comic book was the biggest thrill of it all – so many books in one place was paradise for a young reader like me.

 

It most certainly feels like all this was from a different world altogether.

 

I have a book in my hands- as usual. However I find these real life stories unfolding in front of me quite interesting. They keep demanding my attention and put my book aside to observe and come up with stories matching the behavior of people around me on this train.

 

I think of the old mother in front of me, who is waving goodbye to her son, daughter in law and a grandson standing on the platform, how they are blissfully unaware – moving away to the foot over bridge even before the train moves. I try to read her face, her eyes, her gentle tapping on the window – which is sadly a one way glass.

 

I think of the family standing at the door, waving goodbye to a young couple as they undertake their first train journey after marriage. I try to imagine what the girl is feeling now – is this her first journey with someone outside her family?

 

I think about the young wife sharing my berth – as she gets to work as soon as the train moves – changing in to a salwar-kurta from jeans, as she braids her hair instead of wearing it more smartly. Where is she off to that she has to alter her appearance – back to her in laws from her maternal home?

 

I think about a couple who have an infant in their arms – is this baby’s first journey? Will the mother get any sleep at all?

 

I think about the messy people, who simply toss the paper bag of the bedroll aside, push the frooty carton below the seat – expecting no one to notice. Do these people have any sense of responsibility?

 

I think about the old man in my compartment. Even before the train moves, he strikes a conversation with the young man seated next to him. The young man patiently answers all his questions. I think what is the old man trying to decide – whether old ways were better, where people got their first jobs and retired from the same jobs years later? Or is it better to job-hop like these young men, today’s men?

 

I think about the young man. He did answer the questions patiently, but does he think that the old man is a little too much for his patience? Does he think – what does this old man know about our struggle, things were simpler and easier in old days.

 

All this and the train had not even moved yet!

From Fourteen to Fifteen

It only seems like yesterday when my childhood friend became my roommate.

It only feels like yesterday when there were fresh resolutions.

I’m sure it was only a few days back new jackets were bought.

There was excitement around a new year being around the corner, new beginnings to look forward to.

 

End of a year brings so many mixed feelings,

All bitter sweet moments from the past 365 days.

 

Happiness…

On having met new people

On having known new people

Having made new friends

Having more feelings to write about

Having more entries in my diary

Having more pins on my soft board

Having a beautiful trip

Having wallpaper like pictures 🙂

 

Highest highs of my year

The beautiful feeling of becoming a khaala

2 of my best friends’ love story finding their fairy tale ending – me being the best man for the groom 😉

My oldest and bestest friend is about to show me what “happily ever after” looks like

Having a biiiiig white birthday surprise

Trying to make someone else’s birthday special (didn’t work out that well though – makes me happy that I tried)

 

I’m suddenly filled with this big warm feeling thinking about my beautiful moments from this year.

 

Yes, there have been lowest of the lows too. I cannot disregard or forget that. Not because it has taken every bit of hope in my heart to get up and move on but because if there are no negatives, what’s the value of all the positives?

 

How will we realize how it feels to be loved if there’s no rejection?

How will we realize the value of success, if there’s no failure?

How will we know the value of a YES, if there’s no NO?

How will we cherish the past good memories if there are no present lows?

 

There are still many books to be read, many movies to be seen.

There are still hopes of weight loss and being lean.

 

Many more cakes to bake and cookies to be made

Dreams of peace and that cool breezy shade.

 

I am happy, but I am not content.

I have seen people be someone else to win others’ over and I have seen people change their color..

I have been smitten, bitten and shy

I have been loud and rude.. created a big hue and cry!

I have had a home that I’ve decorated, arranged and re-arranged

I have been a scrap collector, a writer, a photographer, a baker, a cook, a cleaner!

I have been sweet, soft, bullied, bossed, and unwillingly meaner 😐

 

 

So I want this year to end soon now…

Cos a new year defines new beginnings, new realisations, new resolutions and maybe new revelations.

A girl can only hope, right?