Loss – a 4 letter word but it has a four layer deep effect.
It saddens your heart, shatters your soul, challenges your beliefs and shakes your confidence to the core.
Unfortunately, the past year has shown me loss in abundance. My year began with losing my friends – the ones that were indispensable, unforgettable and I don’t remember a time in my life without them. My first friend, my oldest and closest. Yet things happen, incidents occur and snap!
I have waited a long long time to write about it. There is no other way to express it. We don’t speak anymore, so I cant talk to the only person who I was able to talk to about anything and everything under the sun. It is so much easier to fight it out, isnt it? Whats difficult is to give it time – to heal, to recover and to not leave a scar. Yet how much time is enough time? What is time needed for? To forgive the mistake or to forget the person completely?
She stood by me in my embarassing moments, she understood me always, she covered for me for everything small or big, she tied my “Gathbandhan” at my wedding. She has the elder sister that I never had. Every festival was spent together, we continued the tradition even when we were away from home. Every “taboo” thing was tried together. Long drives, road trip, “teerth yatra”, cooking, baking, gardening, reading, binge watching cookery shows, girly television shows – you name and we’ve done it. Afterall 30 years will account to certain memories right? I believe I did my part for her as well. I hope that goes into my karmic account. Maybe that was just the extent of my role in her life. I guess I was just meant to send you off with your knight in shining armour, into the sunset and never expect you to turn back again.
We always told each other no matter what, we’ll always be “just a call away”. We just assumed nothing could ever break us apart, nothing could come between us. But then something unfortunate happened. Unfortunate because
1. It didn’t happen between us exactly
2. we never even fought with each other about it and
3. we have not spoken since.
Yes, there were birthday wishes, but so formal that they were unrecognisable. There were no Facebook likes, none on Instagram either.
All Facebook did was mock me with its memories.
All Instagram did was show me that things are fine in that area of my world.
My world – which is no longer mine.
Sometimes another loss may make things go back to like they were before. But I guess it doesn’t affect everyone the same way. I lost all hope when I lost my beloved pet – my cuddly boo, who was loved like a baby brother. When there were no condolences expressed for this occurrence I was hurt beyond repair, I guess this was the final nail in the coffin of a 30 year long friendship. I don’t mind you not being there for my birthdays or celebrations, but I did mind you not reaching out in my misery and my biggest loss. But who can I tell this to? No one. Inspite of all this if I miss you, am I desperate or needy or just human? There’s not a day when I don’t think of you. I have lost a close friend to death earlier, losing people to life is much harder.
What this time has taught me is this…
Everyone plays a role in your life and then moves on
Everyone doesn’t believe in forgiving.
Everyone doesn’t love unconditionally enough to embrace your weakness always.
Everyone has their own priorities. Family first afterall. Blood first.
I write this in hopes of this reaching you and hopefully it makes you feel that anger is not the solution, maybe fighting about it is. Knowing you, I know you will never call me or text me. So I will simply close this loop by wishing you well, now and always. Keep lighting up your world with your smile, confidence and positivity. Here’s wishing you love, life and a bigger heart.